To The Boy That Loved Me Since He First Laid Eyes on Me

*The following post is the first in an upcoming series of posts about letting people go out of your life.  I’ve noticed that sometimes people are in your life just for a season, and you have to let them go gracefully or feel rejected.  I am in the process of learning how to let go, and wanted to share these anonymous letters with you in the hopes that if you are going through something similar, these can help you grieve the loss of the relationship and move forward into the next season freely.  I hope you can identify with and be blessed by these. (Also, thank you to my best friend over at missionforfaith.wordpress.com for designing the graphics for this post and the previous post.)*

 

I know you’ve never admitted that to my face, but I heard tell of it from members of both your family and mine.  I hate that you want me, because it means I have to hurt you.  You were the friend who made me forgot my troubles, the friend who I had some of my favorite adventures with.  You infuriated me, you annoyed me, you loved me.  As Marcus Zusack says in The Book Thief, “The only thing worse than a boy who hates you is a boy who loves you.”

I wanted us to remain the idyllic friends we were when we were nine.  I’d always had a crush on Peter Pan because I loved the idea of never growing up.  I didn’t ask for the hormones and heartbreak that came with being thirteen, and sixteen, and eighteen.  I wanted you and everyone to want to be around me, but I didn’t want you to want me.  I tried so hard to make you understand that.  I made fun of you, got you in trouble, embarrassed you.  I did all I could think of to make you my entertainment, to protect your pride but wound your ego enough to keep you from getting too close.

I saw right through your facade, from every angle.  I know you so dearly just wanted to be recognized and respected.  I didn’t know how to keep from hurting your feelings while keeping you at a distance.  I saw how your family hurt you and I didn’t want to repeat that.  I wanted to be a safe person but I didn’t want you running to me for shelter.

Can you see? Do you understand? I had my own troubles and pains, and yes, and ran to you to vent about several of them.  But I kept it light. I kept my heart out of it.  I showed you the cherry on top of the whipped cream on top of the ice cream on top of the tip of the iceberg.  You didn’t know the half of it.  You barely knew any.

But you knew enough to make you think I was running to you for shelter.  No, I ran to you because I knew you were there at my beck and call.  I ran to you because I knew I had you wrapped around my little finger.

You’ve never held my heart.  I let you admire me, but you weren’t the one I cried in anguish over the thought of leaving me.  You weren’t the one who I cried in the shower, into my pillow, staring out the window over.  You’re not the one who made me lose my mind at the thought of losing you.  You’re not the one who saved my life, then made me want to throw it away when you left.  You’re not the one who I couldn’t fathom living without.

That’s just not who you were for me.  But I know that you will be that for someone.

So please, please, let me hurt you now.  Let me let you down now, let me tell you there is no hope for us in the romantic sense.  I don’t love you like that.

I can’t pretend you don’t haunt me.  I see you around every corner, sense you with every slamming of a car door.  I haven’t forgotten you but I can’t stand to have you around.  You want things from me I just can’t give you, but you will get them from someone special one day.  It just won’t be me.  So please forgive me.  Please trust me that you will grow from this if you only allow yourself, and you will be a better person after me, a person you wouldn’t have been with me still around.  You have to stand on your own two feet; you have to find your identity, and I’ll give you a hint: it’s not in me.

I want you to succeed.  I want you to find a woman who loves you with wild abandon, a woman who will see and safeguard your tender, chivalrous, servant heart.  You have great love within you, and you deserve someone who will love you without hesitation.

I get sick every time I think of you, imagining you bitter and small.  I want to hear of the great things you’ve done.  I want you to find your dreams and chase them with everything in you.

You have not failed me.  I want you to know that.  You have never been not enough for me.  You have been a wonderful friend.  But there is better out there for you than me, and better out there for me than you.

So go after the One who is going after you.  Make Him your pursuit and chase Him with wild abandon.  That’s where you will find your freedom, your identity, and your love.  I’m cheering for you.

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Author: Callie Susanna

I'm a blogger and aspiring author who publishes my thoughts on the life I'm living, literature I'm reading, and God I'm serving.

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